motherhood unfiltered

I had always struggled with this particular part of motherhood where I have, many times, felt like I MUST produce to be loved. If you have felt this too, welcome. Please take a seat on the big comfy couch that is in the clubhouse called “I think I might be doing this wrong” As a first born daughter I grew up feeling like being worthy meant being useful, my confidence and self worth were tethered directly to pleasing my parents and in time other people, constantly being of service and on the go. unfortunately that attracted some of the worst characters in my life story, luckily in my 30s something awakened in me. I had this drive for more, for better, for solid boundaries and for authentic, deep, uplifting and meaningful friendships.

Motherhood is a season where we may feel like our usefulness is spread across many invisible, undervalued tasks like wiping away tears from our sweet little ones, solving math problems, managing the household, remembering all the dates and events (and sometimes doing this and more while working outside of the home! ) in this season the part of us that was taught “i must produce to be loved” panics. Even though I have overcome my people pleasing days there is a version or shadow of me that seeks my OWN self approval. I am already showing up fully for my family, my husband sees my worth independent of any income I could bring in, my children adore me not for what I do… but for who I am to them.

Sometimes our inner child is delayed in receiving that message. The little version of me, and you if this resonates, is still striving, still asking “what is my thing? What can I do to prove to myself that I AM enough just for being me, not just being of service” I want to speak to our inner children directly for a moment:

To the little child inside of you and I:

You don’t have to earn your place here. You are welcomed to this table.
You don’t have to monetize your magic to make it matter. It matters because it is a part of you.
You’re allowed to create just because it’s beautiful.
You’re allowed to rest without owing anyone anything.
You are worthy of love—even when you do nothing at all. Our rest becomes our restoration and in time our best evolution.

I’ve come to learn that not everything I do must become a hustle. My photography can be just for me (or in my case myself, my family, and my best friend Kylie - i loved photographing her wedding! It was such an honor!) As a former florist, my floristry can absolutely be just for me, although I do love to surprise my friends with an arrangement every now and then. But I enjoy these things for me without the pressure of I MUST DO THIS. And finally my writing. Many times I had thought… What is the point of this? Do these words collect dust in this small corner of the internet? Do they carry any weight? But now I write for me, I write for self expression, I write for my own joy in creating something. And if it speaks to just one of you, then that is a momentous win for me. Whoever you may be, I started this blog with the intention of writing posts as if they were little “love letters” to my friends and I hope you feel this. We are worthy of exploration.

This week I hope I've inspired you to create something just for you. Put some flowers on your bedside table so they can greet you in the morning. Write a letter to your younger self and release them from the weight of carrying it all. Buy a preloved book on a random Tuesday morning. Romanticize just one little thing and know that you did it for you. that my friend is more than enough.