motherhood this time around: what’s different
We are approximately 2 months away from the arrival of our darling girl. In my last post we talked about taking part of my week for myself. I did create my schedule with some flexibility and the idea of what life will look like with a new baby. I feel like I am a multi-layered woman in a culture that wants women to be in constant motion: be pretty, be productive, be peaceful, be profitable. GO GO GO. All the things all at once. We aren't machines.
We are mothers, creators, healers, nurturers. But when we feel lost in this constant motion I like to remind myself that I am still becoming. My best friend gave me a pep talk one day reminding me that I am in fact not behind. I am not failing. I'm right where I need to be. This i’ve titled the becoming… I'm in the middle of the becoming. That in itself is enough. And while I am here awaiting our new baby I gently remind myself that this creative pursuit is for expression not monetization.
Motherhood has reshaped my creativity. This time around I am feeling so much more creative flow. I did have postpartum depression after my son. (who is now five) There were so many factors to that. My husband had gotten a thyroid cancer diagnosis 7 months before our son's birth, what was supposed to be an in and out surgery turned into two surgeries after they found a separate unrelated cancerous mass further down in his neck. Everything was removed and he is strong and healthy now.
Just before I found out I was pregnant with my son I had a friendship break up. Her exact words to me nearly every three weeks were "you're failing my expectations” I'm sure that tanked my self worth a bit, there was a hidden animosity towards me from her for about a year. this happened while my second child, Romina, was a year old to about the time she was two. This followed by my husband's diagnosis in 2019, a rough 17 hour labor with my son (with a spinal leak) all then to find myself in another friendship that wasn't really a friendship… Try being ostracized and gaslit for an additional year. The second that I looked like I was doing well she’d throw me a carrot instead of just releasing me to go find MY people. Anyways, we parted ways on my account, at least this one issued me an apology (nine months after the fact and nine months too late)
I would wish it on NO ONE to be treated like this postpartum on top of postpartum depression. I'm grateful now looking back. It has made me stronger, it has made me a fierce and protective friend to the women in my life who truly love me and my family well. I do think these experiences that can drag over years of your life can shape you for the better or for the worse. In my case it fed my drive to heal and become better. To be tender and careful with the hearts that come into my life. I carry each one like a treasure so as to never break them the way these former friends broke mine.
And lastly, these past experiences led me here, surrounded by some of the most wonderful people, walking into this next postpartum journey healed, loved, held and with mountains of story, passions, advice and depth to write about. The things that were meant to weigh you down could actually be the things that catapult you towards better. Motherhood this time around is different, but different for the better. And I'm happy my children got to see my growth, to see my strength, and to see the other side of healing.