Ramblings of a healing mother 3 months postpartum
We are back home from our trip and I have fallen into a bout of postpartum depression. I skipped posting on August 15th. I do think I struggle with the birthday blues in general. I have tried it all, celebrating big, celebrating small, not celebrating but the outcome still carries this… weight to it. Maybe in time this will change. I also believe that rushing myself to get back to it, to quicken my fall back into rhythm, to work, to perform just shy of three months postpartum is not helping.
Alongside visiting my abuela who is fighting cancer I have found this choking concoction of poor mental health and grief is consuming me, not to be melodramatic. I am that person who, growing up, felt like my worth was tethered to how much I could do and give and the internal work on that I have yet to master. However, I can tell you I am actively working on it. DAILY. Maybe this resonates with some of you. This post may very well be the ramblings of a healing mother.
Genevieve is a colicky baby, I have been adjusting my diet to alleviate some of that. Our trip surprisingly went really well in terms of traveling with a baby. I am very type A and she is our fourth, so I’d like to think I'm a bit more seasoned in motherhood now. My goal over this fall is to get back in touch with the other creative parts of myself. My best friend taught me how to crochet over the weekend! I'm currently working on a baby blanket and collecting “grandma hobbies” and doing these solely for the heart and self enjoyment, allowing myself to take up space in that way without turning it into a hustle. I’m tired of the hustle… I'm tired in general.
Aside from that I've been thinking about throwing some darts at the board and seeing what sticks. Social media has been one of these. So I sit here with my grandma hobbies, and my warm writings that I’d like to think at the very least one of my friends reads… collecting ideas for reels and stories to share (while I absolutely cringe at myself) but this is the process right? To self discovery or reflection, to expression or a viral moment that pivots us into a career. We start somewhere and from here it feels like i’m starting from scratch… but I think I'm okay with this. Some of us are late to bloom but what is a spring flower in comparison to an oak? If anything they are not to be compared at all, we enjoy and admire each in their time.